[Update: False] Man Surgically Alters Thums for iPhone Use

iPhoneites, you're not going to believe this. (I'm not sure if I do or not...) We all know that the iPhone's on-screen keyboard is a little bit difficult to use, but this is ridiculous. North Denver News is reporting that a rather large 28 year old man from Bonnie Brae by the name of Thomas Martel decided that he wasn't satisfied with his ability to use his iPhone's keyboard, so he decided to do something about it. He had his fingers surgically altered.

Yeah, I know.

The technique the surgeon used a "revolutionary new technique" known as "whittling" (seems pretty self-explanitory). Said Mr. Martel:

"From my old Treo, to my Blackberry, to this new iPhone, I had a hard time hitting the right buttons, and I always lost those little styluses," explains Martel. "Sure, the procedure was expensive, but when I think of all the time I save by being able to use modern handhelds so much faster, I really think the surgery will pay for itself in ten to fifteen years. And what it's saving me in frustration - that's priceless."

The procedure involves making a small incision into both thumbs and shaving down the bones, followed by careful "muscular alteration" and "modification of the fingernails".

Considering giving the surgery a try? Me either. I like mine the way they are just fine. Thomas doesn't seem to mind, though. While his new thumbs obviously appear small and effeminate in comparison to his otherwise large and masculine hands, he says he can still lift "pretty much anything I could lift before the surgery - though opening spaghetti sauce jars has been a problem. That was a big surprise."

"This is really, on the edge sort of stuff," explains Dr. Robert Fox Spars, who worked on developing the procedure. "We're turning plastic surgery from something that people use in service of vanity, to a real tool for improving workplace efficiency."

Efficiency, eh? I don't know about you, but I'm not about to physically alter my appendages for the sake of "efficiency". Looks like the rest of us are just going to have to suffer through doing it the hard way: practice.

Update: Did that sound too crazy to be true? Well, sorry everybody, it was. The editor of the North Denver News explained in this Editor's Note that the article was intended to be humorous. I hope you got a good laugh out of it. I know I did, though it was mostly out of disbelief. It turns out that facts stranger than fiction are, in this case, also stranger than fact. Our (but oddly not their) apologies.